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Personally, I’m a mess

This is something I’ve just recently realized about myself. I’ve been a mess for a while now, but it’s only been in the past couple days that I’ve recognized this, and finally found the courage to step back from things and get my head on straighter. I say straighter because my head will never be on completely straight. I’m just not wired that way.

I’m fairly certain that the catalyst for my epiphany was my discovery that my former Dom D is in a relationship. I don’t know the details nor do I want to know. But I guess I never really got over him and perhaps some little stupid part of me thought a reconciliation, or at least some fucking, might eventually occur. Like I said, a stupid part of me.

There’s been a lot going on for me in the past few months, both professionally and personally. The professional part is great. My position and duties with EdenFantasys have been decided and publicly announced. Professionally, I’m in the best place I’ve ever been and I have no complaints. As the title of the post says, I’m a mess on a personal level.

These past few months have consisted of me working hard, getting myself and one of my nephew to monthly psychiatric appointments, weekly grocery and miscellaneous shopping (sometimes more than once a week), keeping an eye on my mother, trying to quit smoking, trying to watch what I eat and lose weight, and wanting to play with the guys. I’ve repeatedly failed the last three things. I’ve visited one real life friend just once in the past several months.

There’s been lots of emotional ups and downs, with the past couple weeks being the worst. Two Saturdays ago my brother had a nasty fall while taking a shower. He’s a tall, very heavy guy and our tub is short and narrow, so he was lucky he didn’t hit his head on anything. However, he hit his left side pretty badly and may have cracked or broken a rib or two. He was left shaken and extremely vulnerable. And so was I and my mom. One nephew handled it calmly and the other wasn’t at home. My brother is a very strong, capable guy who rarely has or shows moments of vulnerability. He’s had physical accidents before (like the car wreck on Christmas day a couple years ago), but no one in the family was around to see them.

The bathroom which contains the shower/bathtub is connected to my room, so I was the one close enough to immediately hear the crash and my brother’s cries for help. To see him so badly shaken and hurt and naked and vulnerable in the tub did a helluva emotional number on me, but it didn’t hit me until after he painfully and painstakingly got himself out of the tub and eventually into his room to try and sleep. He never went to the hospital. He was able to breathe so neither of his lungs had been punctured, and there’s not much a doctor can or would do for cracked or broken ribs, so my brother opted not to go.

We kept an eye on him for signs of internal and external bleeding, but nothing manifested apart from extreme pain and terrible bruising. And here’s where I say, of course none of us are doctors and we are not trained to diagnose people, but my brother is a grown man and can make his own decisions. But I would have taken him to a hospital had he exhibited any signs of life-threatening trauma.

I remained calm in a sort of detached manner while helping my brother and keeping my mom’s panicking from spiraling out of control. It wasn’t until I’d gotten back into my own bed that the images and the seriousness of the situation hit me hard, and I broke down. It was a truly terrifying experience, and that coupled with seeing my brother so heartbreakingly vulnerable did me in. I’ve cried in bed a couple more times over it since then, usually after he’s come through my room and into the bathroom to shower before he goes to bed. I can’t get the images out of my head and I fear another fall. I can hear his sounds of agony while he showers.

He still in a great deal of pain two weeks on, and now he’s dealing with possible food poisoning, so I’m on high alert watching him again. For me, I’ve been hyper-aware of the fragility of our bodies, and especially that of my aging mother who just turned 68 last week. I’m always concerned about her falling, and I know a fall like my brother had probably would have killed her. I’ve had my own daily various physical pains to deal with, and the whole of everything just does my head in.

I’m also feeling more lonely and vulnerable of late. I really needed someone to cuddle and hold me while I’ve been falling apart, but there just isn’t anyone there. And now that I have men who either can’t or won’t play with me online, my frustration and obsession with playing with one of them has pushed me over the top. So, I’m taking a break from them and other online friends, to give myself (and, I’m sure, them) some breathing room and time to think about things. You know it’s bad when even talking to online friends offers little or no consolation.

Work cannot and will not suffer because of my personal issues, so giving myself this time is necessary. I don’t know how long it will take to get myself functioning at a higher level, but it can’t take forever because I do need my friends. But this time alone should bring me back stronger than I was when I stopped communicating. I’ve given a heads-up to the boys and the friend I talk to near daily, so this is no surprise for them. Only M knew what happened with my brother until now as I didn’t want to bog everyone done with it, but I also needed to talk to someone. I debated even writing about it here, but I realized it factored too greatly in my current emotional state to keep quiet.

Last night I found out the real reason T isn’t fucking me. He’s concerned that my feelings for him will once again develop beyond that of a fuck buddy if we continue to play. I countered his explanation with the fact that what went down between us after my confession that I liked him as more than a fuck buddy was not pretty and has severely dampened my feelings toward him. He said he believes that’s what I think/feel now, but he’s still concerned that will change if we start fucking again. To be honest, my attraction to him is now basically nonexistent, but we’ll see what happens after I’ve had time to think. Even though I began this self-imposed exile just yesterday, I’m pretty certain I have no desire to fuck him again. But time will tell if that’s truly a fact or if I’m just responding out of anger.

Missing what I had with D and getting no joy from T has pushed my levels of resentment and self-pitying to an annoying and pathetic high. I’ve also had frustrating moments over my lack of playtime with M, but his reason is vastly different from T’s and I cannot hold that reason against him. The fact that I started to, no matter how briefly, was another indicator that I needed to get away from everyone.

It’s time to put the focus on myself and my thoughts and feelings, and not on getting attention from, and playtime with, the guys. I owe it to myself and them. I might continue writing about things here, but that all depends on my motivation and desire to do so. I do have reviews to write, so expect to see those.

Until then, I have nothing more to say.

One Response to “Personally, I’m a mess”

  1. Rayne says:

    I wish I had more to say than I’m here for you to talk to if you need it. I’m just no good at knowing what to say when my friends are down.

    In any case, I love you, and I’m here if you need me.

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