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Deliberately distant

This month has been going, in some odd way, both fast and slow for me. The past week or so with T has gone by quick. A friend called yesterday because she hadn’t heard from me in a few days and I realized that’s because I’ve been off fucking or talking to T so often. Whoops.

But it’s been going slow in the sense that it feels like the month should’ve been over weeks ago. In an earlier post I said I was giving M until the end of the month to contact me, but it feels like it’s taking months to get there and I can finally start grieving and moving on. I just know that’s how it’s going to go, too–he’s not coming back.

It’s annoying how quickly I become attached to some people. But when you hit it off with someone so well and you seem to be on the road to becoming really good friends, attachment is ridiculously simple. And devastating when things go to shit.

I’ve discovered that not only do T and I have (mostly) opposite tastes in media, we also do not see eye to eye on banter. He doesn’t banter, really, unless it’s about sex. And my banter…well, it’s not to everyone’s taste. I love to laugh and will crack a joke about anything and sometimes it goes over like a lead balloon. And sometimes that only encourages me to take it further until I’ve killed the damn mood. Yeah, I’m supadupafly like that. But that’s cool. We don’t have to be best buddies, just fuck buddies. And we still are.

It’s a period of adjustment for me, having a fuck buddy that is strictly that and won’t turn into something more. It’s not terribly easy for me to maintain some sort of distance with people I’m fucking. But I’m working at it and I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it. I just need to chill on the banter. And perhaps we should spend more time fucking than bantering/not bantering. I’ve been popping up on AIM way earlier than I had been those first couple days and I think I may be inadvertently sabotaging the fuck buddy thing. It’s stupid because I don’t want anything more, but unfortunately it’s just how I function.

Bah. I’ll figure it out.

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