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Warring halves

One early incarnation of my blog was called “A Tale of Two Cunts.” There was Cunt #1 and Cunt #2. I forget which was which, but one represented by physical cunt and the other represented my mind. The two were often at odds with each other. Sound odd? Yeah, I know. Anyway, I’ve been thinking lately about how I seem to have two sides or halves regarding different situations that are always at odds.

The first, obviously, is my strong sexuality coupled with my virginity. I’ve written before how I’m torn between the two. Along those lines is my needy side versus my independent side. Well, I don’t really need anyone in my life, but I do like having some sort of relationship with someone I’m interested in and attracted to. I have wants, desires, physical needs, and I don’t always like that they are part of who I am. My submissive side comes out and I become needy, perhaps even clingy (I just cringed typing that). Wanting to be with someone, even if it’s just online, is such a vulnerable thing and it sometimes takes me over.

Right now I’m worried about M. I’m worried that either something bad has happened or that he’s just a dick who has disappeared on me. He had given me no reason to think he would be a dick, but I’m questioning that now as I’m wont to do. I’m giving him until the end of this month to contact me, and if he hasn’t then I have to assume he’s a dick. If I don’t I’ll continue to worry and that doesn’t help me function. I don’t know what I’ll do if he makes an appearance beyond this month. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when (and if) I get to it. This is my independent side kicking in. And I know I’ll harden and close myself off from relationships. Self-preservation and all that. Yeah, I know–I go to such extremes. Can you say drama queen? I knew ya could.

Another facet of my personality that has dual sides is my socializing. I’ve been on Twitter whilst I’m waiting to be called into work and I’ve added a few people to my chat services. But I don’t talk to those people very often. There is one person I’ve been talking to kinda frequently, but I haven’t the past couple days. I have a habit of disappearing at times. I just close in on myself and break free from socializing. When I do seek out chat or comfort during these times, I usually go to my boys, especially A and Wanton. It was often M when he was around. I just prefer the company of men when I do seek it out. And A and Wanton are my oldest friends on here and they know me the best.

When I do withdraw it isn’t meant as an insult to anyone. To use a cliched term, I’m a lone wolf at heart. But when I do socialize I go all out. I comment on more posts and I talk to more people on my chat services. And then it drains me. I also lose focus on other things that I should be doing. I chat for hours on end and accomplish nothing. Not that I necessarily perform amazing feats of accomplishment when I withdraw, but I do work on centering myself more.

Oh, and the drama in the sex blogging and “sex positive” community? Fucking wipes me out. I let it get to me way too fucking much. Gotta close off myself to that shit. I gots enough drama of my own, thankyouverymuch.

I know that being in work limbo affects my socializing. I was happier and more relaxed during training, so I was more likely to post or talk to people. When I showed a friend (that I regrettably do not talk to enough) my picture from my A feminine moment post, they remarked that I looked happier. And I said, “Well, yeah, I was. That was taken while I was training for my job.”

I feel guilty when I don’t post here or if I don’t talk about sex enough, which is fairly ridiculous. Perhaps I should stop defining myself as a “sex blogger” in the hopes I’ll stop pressuring myself to write about sex. I haven’t taken myself completely out of the realm, what with all of my reviews and my last piece of fiction. I keep thinking that I should do more HNTs and MfMs, and I promise them to you guys, but perhaps I need to stop doing that. I should just relax and let it happen naturally, and if it doesn’t, oh well. I figure at least some of you read me for more than the sex stuff.

Speaking of my last piece of fiction, hello to all of you who found me via e[lust] or other blogs who posted their recent digest. I noticed that some have merely read the story and then left (which is totally cool), but some of you have returned. It’s great seeing such a diverse group of people hitting my blog, so Hello!

OK, time for a little self-promotion. I’ve got a new piece up at Eden Cafe, and there are more to come. I’ve also got two new reviews at EdenFantasys. One is for a lovely bath wash and the other is for the G-spot Tango (with video). My next video review will be for the Dynamic Duo vibrating X-10 anal vibrator.

I’ve made the wonderful discovery that there have been three orders placed through my affiliate account with EdenFantasys. I hadn’t been checking my affiliate accounts with any of the shops recently because up until now I’d made no profit. I want to thank you, whomever made those orders. I was so excited to see that I’d finally made a bit of cash. I am not allowed to link my affiliate code to the product in any review for any company, so I think people often miss them for just that reason. I completely understand why I’m not allowed, so I don’t begrudge them for it. However, should anyone else choose to make a purchase based on one of my reviews or for whatever reason, I would appreciate it if you would head over to my Support page and use one of the affiliate links there. Also, the EF reviews on my Review page do contain my affiliate code.

Holy moly, this has gotten to be a long post. But I think I’m done for now. I think I’ll go see what’s on TV.

2 Responses to “Warring halves”

  1. Great post! A fascinating peek into your mind! And don’t worry about not blogging as much as you’d like – it’s always worth waiting for when you do.

    So much of what you wrote spoke to me; especially the lone wolf part. I’m a very outgoing and social person, but I too crave my ‘alone time.’ I think solitude is a chance to recharge your ‘social’ batteries and is important.

  2. Kristi says:

    Thanks, C&B. :-)

    Yes, solitude does recharge my social batteries, thank fuck. lol

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